Its complicated.

Step family situations are all unique depending on complex issues like custody, biological children, visitation schedules, etc. Anyone involved in a stepfamily will attest to the complexity of the relational dynamic AND the purely pragmatic piece of facilitating schedules, co-parenting, household rules, holidays. The list goes on.

I know personally I was not prepared for how much energy would go into the nuts and bolts of stepfamily life when I married my husband. I think we were both happily naive and optimistic that things would naturally blend and we'd look like any other family. Stepfamily life has an element of flux not generally associated with the "nonstep" family. It is the ever-changing collide of two households, perhaps two marriages, and an exponential amount of inlaws and related parties. Raising young children is a whirlwind to begin with; adding the "step" element just extends the variables. Sometimes its hard to keep things straight.

"Where is our daughter going tomorrow?" That's a common question around here.

My husband and I parent my stepdaughter about 90% of the time. We have full residential custody, and her biological mom has visitation one night a week until the following afternoon. Just because a schedule is agreed upon and legally noted, does not make it full proof. And even a legal agreement has the potential to change through the years. One of the issues we've dealt with for as long as we've been married is the lack of consistency with our schedule. This is a fact of life for step families. Plans change, emergencies arise, siblings get sick, events overlap. A consistent schedule and predictability is key for children who are spending time in two households, but its not always possible.

I like to predict things. When I know what to expect, I am more prepared emotionally for the day. It throws me for a loop when stepfamily plans change at the last minute. When I expect my daughter to be picked up by her biological mom, and then at the last minute am told that I need to pick her up instead. Or when regular visitation gets cancelled and another day is substituted. At this point, I should be more prepared for it because it happens so frequently, but it does provide me with a feeling of being out of control of my life and with that comes anxiety.

In order to maintain a sense of peace with your coparenting party, flexibility is key. Its difficult to relinquish that control. Comfort comes in knowing that God's vantage point is wider than my own. He's not surprised when things don't go as planned. Planning is a man made constraint to give oneself an illusion of control. We simply do not know what the future holds, regardless of what is shared in our smart phone calendars.

It's God's will that prevails. Can we trust him in the details?

It can be disappointing when my vision of a certain day is altered by a last minute cancellation. Let's be real... there is a sweetness to the time when my daughter is visiting her mom. She is (hopefully) cherishing her time with other family members and I can allow myself to cherish one-on-one time with my husband or increased availability to my biological children. When my perception of the day is upset by the reality of last minute changes, how can I respond with grace and maintain peace of mind?

Trusting God's will. God's will is not a macro-only lense. It is here in the micro details. He ordains what he allows what he fulfills. So when the plans are not my own, they are still most certainly His.

Lord, help me to see your will as sovereign in my life. When things don't go as I planned, help me to seek your peace and not be ruled by my anxiety or disappointment. Help me to find freedom in leaving the plans up to you and to relinquish control to your hands. You will provide the grace I need moment by moment. You are my rest and my daily renewal.

James 4:13-15
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”

Stepping Out In Faith

I have three kids. That’s one of the ways I describe myself to new people. One of those three, I birthed one naturally—without drugs of any sort—during a wildly brief 2.5 hour labor; one of those was cut out of me via surgeon after he did a backflip and effectively got stuck, face first, in my cervix. And the other, well the other was introduced to me as a four year old in purple Barbie pajamas. She came first and she came, perhaps, most unexpectedly. I am a wife, a mother… and a stepmom.

I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while. Ever so often I think of something interesting I might want to write about. I’ve thought about writing a cooking blog or a "crunchy-mom" blog. But for one reason or another, I’ve never gotten around to embarking on this blog life until now.

This year I’ve pondered my life in a new way; I’ve made some breakthroughs spiritually and in my closest relationships. I’ve read more books than I usually read and I’ve probably said a few more prayers than in years past. There has been some turmoil and some reprieve. I have been married for four and a half years. My stepdaughter is 11 years old now and she’s a remarkable girl. Still, step parenting and step family issues—if I’m being honest—probably bring the most discord to my life than any other thing. I tried to rewrite that last sentence in a way that didn’t sound so negative, but couldn’t come up a better way to say it. The truth is, I may be most tested by my family dynamic, but I believe that by it, I am given the most opportunity for spiritual growth. There is a way to stand still in this Christian life and without issues that press into your heart and give you a reason to reflect, it becomes easier to stagnate.

So with that, I purpose to write this blog as a record of how the Lord uses my marriage, parenting, and step parenting, as methods to refine and renew me. I hope maybe there are other Christian stepmoms or stepfamilies that will be encouraged by these meditations.